Why You Should Be Afraid of Konan and Pein
by BlackRoseMuffin
Summary: PURE CRACK. In which there is cross-dressing, men forced into wearing dresses, mistaken identities, and much, much more—all because of Konan and Pein. rated M because of Hidan and Orochimaru
1. Chapter 1

**Why You Should Be Afraid of Konan and Pein**: PURE CRACK. In which there is cross-dressing, men forced into wearing dresses, mistaken identities, and much, much more—all because of Konan and Pein.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot. (The fangirls and unicorns and everything else that isn't canon is mine, too.)

…

…

Konan skimmed through a book lazily, resting her head on Pein's lap while he flipped through channels on the flat-screen TV on the opposite wall. They were bored almost to death. Konan sighed, throwing the book at a wall and picked up a magazine instead. She looked through it in mild interest; there were pictures of Itachi and Kisame (the magazine said they were a secret couple), Sasori and Deidara (it said they were in a love/hate relationship), and… Her and Pein!?

Her blue eyes narrowed, reading the article about Pein and herself. It was nothing very interesting, just some stuff about how they were the 'leaders' of Akatsuki, and that their relationship was kinda obvious… Not that they were trying to hide anything.

She began flipping through pages, ignoring the TV, and finally found some pictures of the Akatsuki, excluding her and Pein, wearing dresses. She raised the magazine to Pein's face, allowing enough space between the two objects so he could see it clearly. "Look at it," she said unnecessarily, smirking. "Do you think they have a secret cross-dressing fetish we don't know about?"

Pein made a disinterested noise, raising an eyebrow at the pictures. "Possibly, but these are obviously photo-shopped, Konan." In a more interested tone, he added, "I didn't know you looked at this kind of stuff, either."

"Neither did I," Konan replied dryly, lowering the magazine so she could see the images. "Hmm… What say you if we made these pictures real?" she asked, smirking, and a similar devilish smirk played on Pein's lips.

"Let's do it."

…

…

"Itachi-san, Sasori-san, wait!" Konan barked at the two Akatsuki members, halting them mid-step. They looked back at her, raising eyebrows in question. Konan hurried over to them, placing her hands on their shoulders. "Sasori-san, Itachi-san, have you ever wanted to see one of the other Akatsuki members cross-dress?"

Sasori blinked his chocolate-brown eyes in mild confusion. "I've always wondered what Deidara would look like wearing a dress," he said.

"Kisame's always been rather feminine," Itachi murmured.

Konan grinned. "Help me find them, and you'll find out."

Though the two men were rather confused, they obeyed; little did they know Pein walked over to Konan after they left, and both began cackling evilly…

…

…

"I won't come out, un!"

"I won't, either!"

Konan sighed in exasperation. "Come _on_, guys, you look great."

"I'm not a woman, un!" Deidara exclaimed indignantly in his stall (their bathrooms were kind of like public bathrooms, except cleaner.).

"Deidara, get the hell out here," Pein ordered sharply, and Deidara sulkily obeyed, dragging his feet on the ground. Sasori caught his breath; surprisingly, Deidara looked good in that…

Deidara wore a black gothic-lolita type dress, with dark frills on the ends. The sleeves were form-fitting, but once it reached the wrist, they flowed out, and ended in waved edges, almost covering his hands fully. The torso clung to his torso, but it looked good that way; as soon as it reached his hips, it kind of flowed out, and it made Konan wonder what it would look like if Deidara twirled. On his feet were black boots with a three-inch heel. He had several hairclips in his hair.

Sasori almost had a nosebleed, but caught himself before he could. He wasn't normally a perverted man, but the image made him wonder…

"You look beautiful, Dei-kun," Konan squealed, hugging the feminine-looking blond. He blushed faintly, not looking at Pein, who was glaring mildly at him. Konan released him, and barked, "Kisame, get out here or suffer the consequences, fish-boy!"

With a squeak, Kisame stepped out of his own stall, looking really embarrassed. Itachi's eye twitched; never again would he suggest Kisame wear a freakin' dress…

Kisame looked as though he were a bride for a wedding. 'Nuff said.

"Oh, dear gawd," Pein gasped, shielding his eyes. "CHANGE BACK AND SPARE US!"

Kisame grumbled, walking back into the stall, slamming the door after him.

Sasori shuddered, his calm façade broken. "I think I speak for everyone when I say never again," he said, and everyone nodded, trying to rid their minds of the image.

Deidara frowned. "Can I change back, un?"

"Nah, hold on." Konan rummaged through a bag, and pulled out purple clothes that looked suspiciously like another blond's. "Here, put this on," she said, handing it to Deidara. Deidara sighed, stepping back into his stall and obeyed; it wasn't like he had a choice.

However, he twitched. He twitched again. He twitched once more for good measure. "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS, UN?!"

"Oh, just put it on," Konan sang, smirking maliciously. No wonder she was part of the Akatsuki…! She truly was evil…

When he threw the door open with a disgruntled look on his face, Konan practically died and went to fangirl heaven. Yes, girls, he was wearing Ino's clothes! In Sasori's opinion, Deidara looked H-A-W-T.

Thank god the Akatsuki hideout was fangirl-proof, or Deidara's fangirls would have flooded the place.

"Fufufu…" Orochimaru smirked (when did he get here?!). "Come with me…" Orochimaru grabbed Deidara's arm, and without further ado, flew (yes, FLEW) out of the bathroom, carrying Deidara in his arms. Deidara made a mental note to ask Sasori to turn him into a puppet, so he could burn the body he was in. However, there were more important things to do…

"OH MY GOD, HELP ME, UN!" Deidara shrieked, unable to use his clay because he couldn't reach it, and his arms were immobilized, thanks to Orochimaru's tight hold on him.

Pein looked up with mild interest. "In this case, Orochimaru is still a pedophile…"

"How old _is_ Deidara?" Itachi asked, because he hasn't said or thought anything in around fourteen paragraphs.

"Around eighteen or nineteen…"

Sasori shuddered; he felt like a freaking pedophile, now.

"We have to get Deidara-senpai back!" Tobi declared, though why he is here and Sasori is not dead, we will never know.

"Ugh, I hate DeiTobi," Konan and Itachi shuddered in unision, before looking at each other. Okay, we can understand why Konan doesn't like it (her personality is rather interesting, and this is a crack-fic), but Itachi? Yeah, we can't understand it at all.

"We need to save Deidara-senpai!" Tobi repeated in determination, snapping his fingers. A rainbow unicorn came, walking in the air like they were Santa's reindeer.

Everyone stared, except Tobi, who rushed forward to pet the unicorn. "We need something bigger," Tobi muttered, and, magically, the unicorn became a large magical bus!

Everyone continued staring, before Pein broke the silence. "We're just going to take the Akatsuki-mobile." Everyone except Tobi agreed whole-heartedly; no way were they going to go after Orochimaru and save Deidara in a gay magical rainbow bus!

…

…

BRM: And so ends chapter one…

Will Dei-kun ever be caught?

Will Tobi ever stop being so idiotic?

Will Orochimaru RAEP Deidara?!

Most of the answers will be revealed in chapter 2!


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** I do not own anything except for the plot, the rainbow unicorn/bus/thing, the Akatsuki-mobile, and anything else that you don't see in Naruto.

---

And so they ran to the Akatsuki-mobile, and followed Orochimaru's path, which led to Konohagakure (or just Konoha for short). A porcupine stumbled into their path, and Tobi yelled, "Stop the car!" Pein hit the brakes, and the Akatsuki-mobile stobbed just a few millimeters in front of the porcupine. Everyone turned to glare at Tobi.

"What?" he asked, pouting. "You were gonna run it over!"

"Shut up, you hippie," Zetsu's black side snarled. "Just run it over already, Leader-san."

Pein shook his head. "What if its quills get stuck in a wheel? We can't have _that."_

Tobi cheered, for the porcupine's life was spared.

After a while, the porcupine set off again, staggering quickly off the road, and Pein stepped on the gas pedal. They sped into the village of the Sand, and Sasori ducked, hoping not to be seen with the idiots. Konan flipped a few people off (one of them being Gaara), and they left the Sand, speeding into Konoha, where Orochimaru stood, Deidara in his arms, sneering.

"So you have come to take away the damsel!" the snake-pedophile said dramatically. "But you shall not have him, for he is mine!"

"Like hell I am, un!" Deidara yelled.

Ignoring him, Orochimaru continued with his gay speech. "Deidara is mine, and will remain so, until I die, which is highly unlikely, for I am part of the Sannin, and Sannin are basically God anyway; so bow down to me, your god!"

"Like_ hell_ you're God!" Konan and Pein shouted.

"_I_ am God!" Pein snarled.

"Jashin-sama's God," Hidan argued.

"Anyway," Konan cut in, "Orochimaru-san, _you_ are not God. You're just a creepy pedophile with a thing for Uchihas and Deidara."

"Why did I have to be so sexy, un?" Deidara pouted.

"... No comment."

"I'll save you, Deidara-san!" Tobi exclaimed, running over to him. He bit Orochimaru's hand, and the Sannin stared at him. Tobi growled, and attempted to eat Orochimaru's hand; and still, Orochimaru continued staring at him in confusion. Tobi rolled his eyes, released Orochimaru's hand, and ate Orochimaru's head instead.

The rest of the Akatsuki looked at him in disgust. "Ewww..."

"It works, doesn't it?" Tobi asked with a shrug.

And so the Akatsuki got back into the Akatsuki-mobile, throwing Tobi in the trunk, and took care not to touch Deidara. When they got back to their base, Deidara begged Sasori to turn him into a puppet, but Sasori refused, so Deidara tried to burn away his flesh. It didn't work, because Konan caught him, and took the lighter away, scolding him for his foolishness.

Deidara had to settle for sulking in silence.

The light was suddenly clicked off.

"Dammit!" the authoress exclaimed, glaring at... Nothing. "I was just finishing this chapter!"

The camera-man shrugged. "Sorry." He turned the lamp back on.

"_Thank_ you."

"No prob."

Now, to finish the chapter, here is a 'dramatic' last sentence:

Little did they know something else was going to happen...


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I don't own the Akatsuki, or the Katekyo Hitman Reborn! and Dragon Ball Z characters (or Mukuro-sama's laugh). I do, however, own the plot (what IS the plot, anyway?), and anything else you don't recognize.

-----

It was a week after Tobi ate Orochimaru's head, and it was all very boring. Everyone still avoiding Tobi, Deidara was still trying to kill himself, Itachi was still weird, Kisame was still a shark-man-hybrid-thing, Sasori was still gay for Deidara, Zetsu was still eating people, Hidan was still cursing ("HIS SWEARING LEVEL IS OVER NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE THOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDD!" Vegeta yelled, breaking his Swear-o-Meter.), Pein-sama was still God, Konan was still God's Angel, and... Wait, who else is there?

They were playing Truth or Dare in a circle, because they had nothing else to do.

Suddenly, the electricity died!

"EHMAGAWD!" Deidara screamed, clutching the arm of the person nearest to him (who just happened to be Sasori) in fright. "WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE, UN!"

Pein-sama face-palmed. "Why do you say that?"

"In horror movies, the electricity blows out, and then people are picked off, one by one, un!" Deidara rolled his eyes. "Don't you ever watch those, un?"

"No, I have better things to do in my free time."

Deidara gasped. "Horror movies are not pointless, un!"

Kisame rolled his eyes, and stood up. "I'll go check if the shower's working." He pulled his flashlight out of his pocket, and turned it on; the beam happened to fall on Deidara and Sasori. Deidara immediately pulled his hands away, looking embarrassed.

"Don't you ever watch horror movies?" Pein-sama demanded, blatantly ignoring the fact he had just told Deidara he had better things to do than watch scary movies. "Rule number three states that you are not to take a shower during a time like this!"

"Yeah, we aren't supposed to split up, either," Konan added.

"You really believe that stuff?" Kisame asked in disbelief. "It's all rubbish."

"We aren't taking chances," Sasori sighed.

"Whatever. See you guys later." Kisame stomped off.

The remaining Akatsuki looked at each other. "He's dead," Itachi decided. "Should we host a funeral?"

"Hell no!" Deidara exclaimed. "He ignored our warnings; he doesn't deserve a funeral, un. We should just feed him to Zetsu, un." That was when they noticed Zetsu was gone... "... OH HELL NO."

"Should we host a funeral for him?" Konan asked, rolling her eyes.

"Duh, un."

Sasori raised an eyebrow. "So... Which one of you wants to go find him?"

No one replied. Pfft, it's not as if they would really miss Zetsu, anyway; after all, he was a cannibal-ish half-plant, half-man thing.

Sasori sighed. "Let's vote on it, then."

"I vote _you_ go, if you're so fuckin' worried about him!" Hidan declared.

"NO!" Deidara squealed. Everyone turned to look at him. "If Sasori dies, who will make me a puppet, un?! Hmm?! That's right—NO ONE, un! I need him to stay here and not get killed or anything, because he needs to turn me into a bloody puppet, un!"

"I never knew you cared so much for me," Sasori cooed, snickering.

Deidara's face turned red. "Sh-shut up, un!" he snapped, crossing his arms.

"Aw, don't be that way, baby!" Sasori wrapped an arm around Deidara's waist, still snickering.

Deidara shoved his arm away. "Get the fuck away, un!"

"Isn't this supposed to be like a horror movie, and not a stupid romance?" Itachi asked dully.

"Oh, yeah..." Pein-sama blinked.

-----

Kisame waved the flashlight around when he heard a light squeak. "Who's there?" he demanded.

No one answered, of course.

He sighed. "It must be my imagination..."

"Could be," agreed a female voice. Kisame's mouth was covered, and, before he could do anything, he was out cold.

The girl nodded in satisfaction. "I never thought it would be so successful." She looked around. "Now, to find the next unlucky victim..."

She scurried off, laughing in a weird way. It sounded like _kufufufufufufu! _

When she was out of sight of the camera, there was a loud banging noise, and something crashed to the floor, shattering. "DAMN YOU, MUKURO-SAMA!" the girl's voice yelled shrilly, so it could be assumed that she was shaking her fist at the ceiling.


End file.
